Life as a church apostate

a·pos·tate

/əˈpäˌstāt,əˈpästət/

noun

1. a person who renounces a religious or political belief or principle.

“After fifty years as an apostate, he returned to the faith.”

I recently had a conversation with a bible thumper on social media who follows my posts and has read my blog (much appreciated, by the way). After reading, they surmised that despite my best efforts and years of serving and preaching at the church, I was never really a Christian at all. At first, my reaction was to be indignant and demand where his authority to make such a judgment comes from, but it’s more comical than upsetting. See, this is what they all say. Anytime someone walks away from their faith, they are shunned by the flock who are groomed to proclaim, “Apostasy! They were never really a believer at all!” I’m sure my accuser would have me stoned if possible. 

The reason for this is cognitive dissonance. They don’t want to explore the questions and reasons someone might leave for fear that it might make sense or make them question and take a look at their beliefs themselves. The church doesn’t want this – people thinking for themselves and asking questions. It is much easier and more convenient to deem the person was never a true believer. It protects the integrity of their lie. 

Maybe I never did believe; god only knows 😉. I did have doubts and nagging questions my entire life. I still do; at least I admit it. I spent a great deal of time trying to make it all make sense to me, but most of it just never did. Does that mean I never believed? 🤷‍♂️ I don’t think it matters anymore. It never really did. What matters is I felt guilty and inadequate because of my doubts and questions. I felt like something was wrong with me. Now I’m proud of the doubts I’ve always had and the fact that I never just jumped headfirst into willful ignorance. Now I see my doubts let me hold onto a piece of my critical mind, and however late in the game it may be, I am free.

Surely an all-knowing god saw that I would eventually stray from the path and leave the church. He could have just once offered reassurance or some proof he was there. He didn’t; because he isn’t. But I am just as he made me – A proud apostate.

“Baby, I was born this way.” – Lady Gaga

Some Useful links

Freedom from Religion
Recovering from Religion

Tag Cloud

Abuse Greg Locke Hate Preacher Islam LGBTQ+ Life Living Waters Mars Mental Health news Pat Robertson Ray Comfort Religion Supreme Court Taliban